There’s a verse in the Bible that says, “…we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin.” Growing up, I would always hear this verse quoted to explain that Jesus understood everything that we could ever be tempted by, and everything that we could ever go through – because he had been human and had dealt with the same human things we deal with.

Hearing this as a preteen, I would always inwardly ask whether or not Jesus understood what it was like to have a menstrual cycle. Obviously, having created us – and the woman’s cycle – God understands the menstrual cycle. But, in my preteen mind, there was no possible way that Jesus had experienced having a period. And if that was the case, then it was untrue that Jesus could understand everything that I would ever go through.

I’m not entirely sure that this verse was accurately interpreted for me when I was growing up. Regardless, I have always wondered whether or not it was truly possible for Jesus to understand everything we go through – especially given that he had no sin in his heart. It’s one thing to be tempted externally – like when Satan promised Jesus the entire world in exchange for Jesus bowing down to Satan. It’s another thing to be tempted internally – like the book of James describes – “each person [being] tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.” (A verse which, right before it, tells us that God cannot be tempted).

I’ve never been the type to give in to peer pressure, so most of the things that tempt me are – like James says – my own evil desires. But Jesus didn’t have evil desires. Given that Jesus didn’t have evil desires, is it possible for Him to understand the experience of having them?

The most evil desire I’ve probably ever had is the desire to end my life. It’s evil because I’m made in the image of God. It’s evil because it thwarts whatever it is that God wants me to do in the world. It’s evil because it hurts others. It’s evil because I take a life that I had no power to create. It’s evil because, as a follower of Christ, my life isn’t my own in the first place. Knowing all this, I am still dragged away and enticed.

Has Jesus ever wanted to commit suicide? Did it cross his mind, when he fell on his face, asking God to “let this cup pass from [him],” that he could end it to escape the terror that he knew was in front of him? What about when Jesus lamented over Jerusalem? Or when he was angry with the money-changers in the temple? Was he ever so upset that he felt like giving up all together? What about in times where he wasn’t sad or angry at all? Is it possible that even in Jesus’ happiest moments, he was quietly imploding?

My guess is no, because he also fully understood the “joy set before him,” and it was enough to keep him going. But I don’t know.

I guess I never will.