I’ve been struggling to think of something I can and want to write about. I don’t like to write when I feel like I can’t write exactly what’s on my mind. On the other hand, if I go too long without writing, I start getting a bit twitchy. So this is a bit of a random post but this is something that’s been on my mind, lately.

I didn’t realize until recently how badly I suck at reaching out. I mean I’ve always known that it’s something I’ve never been good at, but I didn’t realize how tragically bad it is until a few days ago.

One of my favorite things that people often tell me about myself is that I am a good listener. I love to listen. I love it. And I love being a good listener, I hope it’s true that I am.

But I really am not too fond of talking.

And even when I do feel like talking – which does happen sometimes – I will not reach out to talk to someone. I just can’t do it! I’ve been trying the past few weeks and it has been all sorts of awkward and confusing.

Everyone knows the saying “Think before you speak,” right? I might be practicing that advice on expert levels.

Here are just a few things I think about before deciding to (ultimately not) reach out –

What is the person I’m reaching out to going through? I assess the person’s life and the difficulties they might be facing and then I ask myself whether they have the mental or emotional capacity to add me to the list of things they may already have on their mind. I take cues from small details of a person’s life. If I know that someone just started a new job, for example, I might be less likely to reach out to them because I think of all the things they might be dealing with – stress of learning their new job, trying to make new friends and get to know new co-workers, perhaps they have to wake up earlier than before to get to work on time which means they might be going to bed earlier at night, or maybe they aren’t stressed at all but are extremely happy and just want to sit in that happy place for awhile. I don’t want to crash anyone’s happy place.

What if the person I’m talking to actually needs something from me – but I am too busy talking to notice? That would make me feel pretty bad, actually. I would hate that.

Is the topic I want to discuss something I can research on my own? If so, should I just research it instead of bothering someone else? Just today I had a question about something and I have a friend who has professional knowledge of that thing. I thought to text her and ask, “Hey, how do you…?” And then I thought, “Why bother her when I can google it?” So I googled it and now I have the answer. My friend, who is busy planning travel and getting her family organized and ready for the holidays, now has one less thing to have to do for someone else because I decided to look it up instead of putting that on her plate.

When will the person I’m thinking of talking to grow weary of the topic I’ve brought up? I don’t want to overwhelm anyone. Or, what if the topic wasnt interesting to them in the first place? I don’t want to bore anyone. How do I know the person is not indulging me because we are friends? If they are overwhelmed, bored, or just tolerating me, I would rather step back and let them have the space they need – or let them guide the conversation to something they are interested in.

This is kind of important to me because I tend to explore and analyze every angle of a topic. I run the horse into the ground, and then beat it once it’s dead. What if I start a conversation and then it ends, but I have something else to add later? What if I change my mind about something related to the conversation or want to correct something I may have previously said? Is it ever too late to bring up new information? Will adding to the conversation after its technically over seem clingy or be overbearing? Should I even start down a conversation trail if I’m not sure the other person has the energy to invest in it?

Having written all this out, I know I sound crazy. But these are really all things I consider before deciding to open my mouth. And by the time I am done considering, I feel like my brain is going to explode and I usually decide to keep quiet.

No one has ever said that I am socially awkward, but I feel socially awkward after running through this laundry list of qualifications that need to be met before I can start a conversation or reach out to someone. So, I limit myself to jokes, being encouraging of others, discussing topics I know for certain are of common interest, and I will even suffer through small talk for people I care about.

I wonder what goes through others’ minds as they get ready to bring up various topics or reach out to others in their friend circles?