One of my first introductions to Taoism had to do with the idea that without one concept, there could be no full understanding of its opposite. For example, we wouldn’t truly understand happiness unless there was sadness. If everything were happy all the time, we wouldn’t consider it happy – it would just be normal. There would be no true appreciation of it. Because of this, sometimes we have to surrender to feelings like sadness, disappointment, or hurt because understanding those feelings allows us to understand and enjoy the happiness that comes later. 

Similarly, the Tao explains that if we want to become whole, straight, full, and new – we must first allow ourselves to be broken, twisted, empty, and old. How can we ever truly understand and appreciate wholeness, fullness, or newness without having experienced their opposites? 

This sentiment is echoed in other spiritual traditions as well. It reminds me of Biblical ideals that tell us things like “the first will be last and the last will be first,” or that “whoever tries to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life (for Christ) will save it.” 

Taoism is all about flowing with what is and not fighting against the natural course of things. Taoism encourages us to surrender to the process. The biggest way this has played out in my life was in the process of coming out. 

As a teenager, I came out to my parents about the fact that I am a lesbian. This wasn’t well-received at that time and as a result, I did my best to hide my queerness. I ended up in a thirteen year hetero marriage and having a child. My inauthenticity about my queerness led to inauthenticities in every area of my life. 

Eventually, it got so bad that I didn’t want to live anymore. 

In my mid-thirties, I had to come out again and break down the life I’d built with my then husband and young son. The breaking was awful. It was one of the worst times of my life. But if I had not surrendered to the process – I may not be alive today, experiencing what is one of the best times of my life. 

Have you ever had to break, empty, twist, or extinguish yourself to become whole, full, aligned, or new?